YOU CAN BE AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL !

People on my facebook often un-friend me because I love to take photos. I love to take photos of me and everything around me. I want to be a superstar. I am not full of myself like some people, I just like to think I looked pretty at that moment. It isn’t all natural. I have to make an effort to take photos. I have to say I deserve this photo. We spend so much of our lives ignoring ourselves. I just decided one day five years ago that I will never be  this way again. I spent most of my life avoiding the camera. I was not a size 2 or a size 14. I have this one tooth that is like a vampire tooth and I would not smile. I was pale and anemic. After my hysterectomy I started gaining some strength and I looked into the mirror those blue gray eyes pleaded with me to realize the beauty of my soul and of my self and I started my photo journey. When I started putting my pics up I had men chase me and I felt like a celeb on a really good day I get compared to Liz Taylor. I have started using photo editor on my Iphone because I get terrible puffiness under my eyes and it makes me feel so bad. I try my best to hide the flaws and focus on the things models would kill for like my cheekbones  thanks to the Cherokees and the sexy lips that rival any porn star’s collagen injected nasty lips …(LOL). I try so hard to get women to think that they can get up and dig out the foundation and start playing around with their clothes and jewelry and feel pretty. If I have made any woman who was put down or ignored stand up for herself then I wasn’t just playing dress up for nothing !
MargoImage

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Rich boy sits in his room

he looks at me on the screen

he has ideas in his head about

what he could see and I say no

he tells me that I will never see him

again

I don’t shudder

It hurts though because for

four days he has been

texting me and saying

he misses me

I take a deep breath

I am about to be deleted

because the rich boy 

has tired of me..Image

For me, I find I want to talk to men. I never had that attention as a teenager. I was a chubby girl and back in the 80’s that was looked at as almost a defect. I am so glad now that women are told to love themselves. I preach this  myself. LOVE YOU NOW…

Anyway, after my hysterectomy so many things changed. I started to love my body and I began to find myself. I realized I liked to dress up. I realized I loved Glamour and fashion. I looked to my idols Liz and Marilyn and I began to  model for my facebook and the (pen pal site also known as WACKY TOWN). 

I find I need to flirt, but flirting is also born out of insecurity. One would flirt if they were looking for attention and praise which would mean that it was missing from home.

I wish I had a guy who would say “God you are pretty, come here sit on my lap a minute.”

SIGH 🙂

I know you can hear the music playing softly.Image

If they had said

If they had said we were pretty to start with

we would have not felt bad all those times

the skinny girls danced

we would have danced too

If they had said we were beautiful

we could of walked down the hallway

without feeling so abnormal,

if someone had said something!
Why was it in the 80’s and 90’s being

a big girl was not right, abnormal

we ate more to kill the pain because

we felt so big anyway

if they had said I love you

would it had mattered?
don’t you see if your arms

are big and your belly is big

and your hips are wide that you

really truly are still very beautiful inside

and out, who said you were not?

was it you? Please be quiet

I am trying to love my body

The Night I was really Me

The Night I was really me

I was dancing under the moonlight

in a real fantasy

we were alone you touched

my face

it didn’t matter where I was

I felt like I was in the right place

Your eyes spoke words to me

no one had ever said

I felt so alive

I could not understand

what I had been doing until then

I loved you even though

it was a sin

to be in your arms

so carefree the night

I really was me…

 

MImage

IF I’M SO PRETTY

IF I’m so pretty why did my husband say terrible things to me that Sunday Morning

why did guys trick me  and make me drop everything to

try to be a DIVA, An ANGEL, A MUSE

Why did the one I loved so much walk away from me

And Break me down like an old car that once

raced along the streets of a far away land

If I am so pretty why do I question myself so much

I can see in the mirror this woman with beautiful eyes

and the lips men claim they long to kiss

but I have not kissed enough and wonder if I ever will

If I am so pretty why am I lonely 

and why did they hurt me when all I wanted was 

Love?Image

What is in your Basket of Eggs?

Am I thinking too far ahead, to bunnies and easter eggs? Maybe I am. I want to be cheerful …hmm what can I do to be cheerful. I need to see some colors maybe lavender, let me look around here in this cluttered dining room where no one dines ! Hmmm, Lavender…I see one lavender, purple cow that contains a candy bar in its insides from the duty free shop. Should I eat the chocolate, Noooo..I must think ahead to weight loss I would love to taste that comforting chocolate soothing my fears and doubts about life oh how it would be so sensual! Okay, okay..I need a bucket of water, but I am not craving Hypotherma.I actually left this chair and went and found my cinnamon crisps by Weight Watchers, my new love. My god how I wish I could eat a witche’s Cauldren full of this. I have left one of the great love of my life behind on skype to do what he does best, computer stuff I miss when he was crazy about me texting me, or emailing me asking me where I am, what am I doing. Now, we talk about what article I should write and  my tears are always ready to flow because I know I care about him. Oh we were talking about easter eggs right? I need to go back to looking up articles trying to impress someone who doesn’t see me as a pretty girl to day dram about anymore…Could I seduce him ? Not from so far, why does Algeria have to be so far? It’s not fair. I was in Morrocco a month ago, feeling love and loved and now I am confused, I don’t want to talk to my darling from there I just feel empty and I wish I could see a little bunny hop by I would ask it what the hell is going on and what plans does it have for Valentine’s day now that day sucks 🙂 M

I wish it was spring

I Need to See the Wizard

Today I am really down. I have been wondering if I can be honest in my blog or make it more fiction…I don’t know what to say anymore, we all have to be so careful now a days. I had spoken about my teen’s secrets. They were the main focus yesterday of our 17th wedding anniversary. I just kept thinking about her and things that she did without us knowing. I wrote her a letter because you can’t talk to her she has always been very stubborn and not interested in what anyone has to say. I cried a lot and my husband told me “Don’t cry so loud.” He has always bossed me around no wonder our daughter is so bossy. I told him he can’t control the volume of my crying.So I cried myself to sleep and I don’t remember what  I dreamt.I woke up and decided I didn’t want to be on FB for a while even though a friend of mine is going through a hard time, I jumped on said hi to her and I am back here, my dog is trying to get into my weight watcher’s curry chicken which I am thankful to God for it is yummy! I miss Mr. Tall so much today.Everytime I go to the movies almost I miss him because he used to send me messages when I was in the movies. The other night he told me he still had a girlfriend but this was after I went on and on about My.Special Someone…I don’t know how special he is anymore. I just feel deflated and bored.I went to Morrocco, but why. What was it all for? There is not a lot of passion outside of that rented Apartment we had all shared there me, my pen pal , our daughters and two gorgeous Morrocon men we met online. He was so beautiful, so tender, yet when I was in his arms I thought about the tall skinny computer genius 2 hours by flight in Algeria. I asked God why he had not let me see the one I had loved so much. My someone special was soft, romantic, held hands, cared…my heart called out for the taller one, the bossy one with soft dark eyes that used to hold a hint of love for me. I don’t know. I am a romantic and I should be writing romance novels and trying to see if anyone out there really wants me in the writing world.

My two oldest daughters will be home soon. It’s been very hard to look my oldest in the eyes. At 15 she has knowledge of things she should not have knowledge of. I think of how we told her have fun at the mall and she was no good holigans (Does anyone say that anymore?) She let peer pressure rip her walls of innocence down and yes maybe most of that is intact but once you stick your foot in the pool of ignorance its hard not to drown in it.

I went back onto fB and S.S. said that he missed me I just wrote “Okay.” I don’t think I enjoy this being married and trying to have a S.S. What good is it? I wish someone would come in with a cleaning crew and just do me a favor and make everything like a fancy hotel room. Someone across the road is playing loud annoying Rap. I am exhausted from the last few days it seems since I came back from Morrocco life turned a crazy 180. I remember my daughter and me bonding I was so happy she was finding me fun and cool and then I come home and things start unraveling all because she left her facebook open.

I can’t even talk about things because my husband is right in wanting to protect privacy but part of me wants to shout out things and have one say “Margo..I know what you are going through here.” I step back and I think about all kinds of things now. I have been so into myself for years because no one else was. I tried to talk to my oldest but she always had smart remarks for me. I used to cry myself to sleep from the way she talked to me and I don’t want you all to get a picture in your minds that I am not strong because I am very strong. I am soft hearted.I cry at movies, I love deeply and people judge me often as a romantic mush.

I am going to go now and try to write other things in other blogs trying to make my mark as tiny as it is in the world 😉

M

Thinking About me

Is he thinking about me at all?
There is no email, no phone calls..

Is he thinking of me even once a day

about me and things we could say

Does he want to hold me close

or forever shut the door

why is it always his choice if

he can love me or throw me away

I ask myself over and over

is he thinking about me

even when he walks away

I wish I knew the answer to this

question, I wish I knew the truth

and in which direction his feelings

fly like a bird to watch over me like prey.

Does he ever think of me?

Maybe its okay to talk about life in your blogs…

Maybe, its okay to talk about life and not be afraid if someone makes a mean comment. Maybe we should write what we think and feel because we have been blessed with free speech here. I know everyday I could sit here and try to think of just subjects to talk about just to be “writing” but  then I wouldn’t feel it..I am having tea like I did in Morrocco. It is nice in a beautiful green glass etched with gold vines. My girls are making cup cakes and I miss my special someone. To be honest Out of sightis not out of mind for me. I need to give him a fake name though his real name is beautiful I found one this morning in an Arabic baby name site ..I can’t find it now but I want it to be the name I saw this morning. What is going on in my life? Well, The guy many of you know about came into my life the other day to say he hadn’t forgotten me which resulted in two phone calls and an email. But, Why did he come out of the woodwork? Does jealousy bring people out? His curiosity that I could have replaced him because when I was in love with him he was my all and my nothing.For a few days I floated around in some kind of glory thinking he loved me and wanted to put up a fight my 6’4 tall and handsome Algerian. I thought about love for a moment this morning.The few days that I spent with a kind young man with the best hug I ever had next to my daughters I saw love as soft, I saw love as sharing, I saw love as giving,  I saw love in his eyes.I don’t want to forget that kind of love because what I have known has been critical, harsh, selfish and restricted. This kind of love came from my husband and Mr. Tall. I don’t care if either one of them read this because the truth sets you free. I love to speak my heart.I think I will tell you all the story of the night the police came…Someone on Facebook wanted to get me in trouble and so she called the police saying I was making weird videos on FB the funniest thing is I was making romantic videos like a soap opera. All my friends on there knew it and I said before every video this is acting and for creative purposes only. In came the cops. I was calm because I guess my angels that watch over me placed a wing around me, I showed them my videos which was me acting in black and white and they looked annoyed, wrote a report and left. When they left I cried and cried because someone had violated my freedom of speech and self expression. I was harrassed by this woman for days. Mr. Tall and me had a blog he is a computer WHIZ even if he isn’t romantic and doesn’t care someone loved him one time with all her heart. I told him to shut it down for a while because she was harrassing my stories and my poems, she was also calling and harrassing. I said I will get the law on her if she didn’t leave me alone. She finally left me alone, but I was shaken if I had the cash I would have taken her to court because she caused me much distress and anguish. I didn’t know how to write for a while, I was afraid everyone would judge me wrong. I was afraid to be creative then I said if this happens then she has killed a big part of me. I started acting again for Facebook doing skits and singing, I made youtube videos, I wrote I continued and continue to be me and I hope some of you get to know me and like me heck maybe even love me!
M

I have to ME