When I felt the baby move inside me I ran to the ocean and I thought maybe I should throw myself in. I thought maybe I should let my body just go to the sharks because I was not a good person. I had had a few abortions in my life. I had always been talked out of my babies.”It will ruin your career.” Someone would say and then I would be taken to a secret location. I would be given pills to calm down and then it would all be over. I would bleed a few days and nine months later no baby. I didn’t think I wanted a baby.Alexander knew I was expecting and I demanded to go to a doctor.
“Do you want this baby Mara?” He is sitting beside me on the beach and his hair is a mess and long he needs a haircut we live like hermits.
“I don’t know.” I say and I want to blame him for not taking precautions.I tell him that I want to try to have this baby.
His face lights up then and we walk back to the house. I don’t feel like I am in a movie anymore. I have started feeling real and it scares me and delights me.
I try not to think of Hollywood. I was not sober half the time I was acting. I begin to get angry for all the people who used me like a doll. “You are so beautiful.” They would say and millions of photos would be taken of me. I would hear people talk bad about me more than they would talk good.
I start to think Alex saved my life by faking my death. I feel the baby move again and I pray that she survives. I know she is a girl. She has to be a girl. I tell myself I will not go mad like my mother and that I will take care of her and tell her how once Mommy wore a pink dress and sang in front of the President of The United States.
I have nightmares. I am always afraid I will wake up and see blood because I have miscarried before.
“Alex we have to get married.” I tell him.
“Why?” He asks me.
“Well, if I marry you I can’t ever testify against you right?”