Wanting to have flame colored hair

I went to Walmart this morning and got SPLAt hair color the punk kind of color. I hope it turns my hair red. My hair was dark blackish brown so let’s see…I hope that it doesn’t make my scalp inflamed with psorasis or whatever it is that haunts my head.. I need a change so badly. I looked at diet pills too they never work for me at all. SIGH. I checked my email and nothing. My long gone Turkish first love doesn’t email me, I ask myself am I boring. I ask my mom that too as we drive back from my daughter’s outpatient program my mom says “Well I don’t know.” And sips her coffee she is so quiet. Today I will clean the house, has to be done. Maggie our Maid…didn’t come for the once a week “touch up” and now I have to really get out all the cleaning supplies. I wanted to start my psychic jobs I got hired for today. I have to take 2 packages to be mailed at the post office that ladies won from me on ebay. I wish something fun would happen, I always wish for that. I told my mom my husband and I need someone to talk to about our daughter it is not easy for us that she likes girls, and I am okay with that I have watched PORN…and I have had girls make moves on me. It is just she is our daughter and I had wished for a prom date for her, I never knew her first kiss would be from a girl and I never knew she would want to die because of these feelings and the fact that we were upset. Why would anyone want to die so easy. I am always fighting for life. I don’t understand any of this. I just drive her 30 minutes away 2 times a day, try not to get on the main highway, try to talk to mom and try to get back home. All I do is try.I feel like I am on a roll now as I sit here with this red gunk on my head that is probably lulling me into a coma with it’s toxic smell. Maroon five is on “Move it like Jagger” On my daughter’s stereo. I didn’t write much when she was in the hospital I was like a zombie.My hair is some kind of red I wish it would kill the black, I am so done with that. I don’t know how I will cover up the red stains on my hairline…It is 11 now, 11:11 is suppossed to be the “Wishing time” but I stopped, I used to wish Mr. Tall would say he wanted me back. You know he never even talked much, it was me calling him but we would laugh so much and he would sound so sweet. Its so unfair you know.I want to thank whoever that reads me I often worry you all are feeling sorry for me or something don’t I am often happy and upbeat and hyper, I just love deeply and that is just the way it is, so off I go to wash this red goo out of my hair and hope my hair doesn’t fall out and hope that the red shows up ! MImage

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IF I’M SO PRETTY

IF I’m so pretty why did my husband say terrible things to me that Sunday Morning

why did guys trick me  and make me drop everything to

try to be a DIVA, An ANGEL, A MUSE

Why did the one I loved so much walk away from me

And Break me down like an old car that once

raced along the streets of a far away land

If I am so pretty why do I question myself so much

I can see in the mirror this woman with beautiful eyes

and the lips men claim they long to kiss

but I have not kissed enough and wonder if I ever will

If I am so pretty why am I lonely 

and why did they hurt me when all I wanted was 

Love?Image

WHY

WHY did you decide one day that you didn’t love me

and you took some strange girl into your life

who had never cried for you

she had only said she “Liked you”

Why did you decide that when my email came you would

ignore my words or when I texted or called

“IT COULD WAIT”

Why don’t you ever sit alone and think of the woman

far away who sent you a coat for Christmas

even though you love Allah and not Santa Claus

Why Did you throw me away

and Why do I miss you so much out of every guy 

I ever knew

I miss you

WHY?Image

OUT ON A BOAT OF THOUGHTS

I just had a bagel and low fat cream cheese trying my best to lose some weight and really do it. I am not blogging much these days. Here lately my mind is on psychic work, part of me  wants to just stop that because It takes up a lot of my thoughts. I wonder how can I help people, if I am accurate, I think about spirtuality and why couldn’t I just of been a baptist or a catholic or something…I am non denomonational. I love God is all I know. My daughter is on medicine now for depression. I have not really had the break down cry I need to have. You know there is still some kind of shock that one day she went to school and that same day she has to go to the hospital for depression. She is back to “It’s not fair you people won’t buy me a new I-POD” and me and her dad worrying that if she doesn’t get what she wants she may try to hurt herself, but we can’t walk on pins and needles either.I am now driving her to outpatient threapy. It is my longest drive back and forth and I am glad to have my mom with me. I am worried about mom because she doesn’t move around that good for a 65 year old she has had a rough life, but my God I wish she felt better and didn’t have the muscle stiffness she does, it is very hard for her to get up from sitting and a doctor had operated on her toes and she has trouble now walking she needs to sue that guy….She had hammer toes they call it and he did something in which she can’t move half her toes now.I missed Mr. Tall a lot lately. I even wrote and told him I loved him still. My husband and I are getting along but as I drift off to sleep i think often of Mr. Morrocco…..MImage

MY love is real

I miss Mr. Tall, I cried this morning I don’t know if anyone is reading my blog because I don’t get a lot of insightful feedback but here I am, it helps me to write about things. I miss his laugh. I miss calling him up and him saying “Hey.” I miss the times we shared it hurts a lot to know one day some little skinny girl in a hijib walked past him and he gave up his blue eyed girl who had given her whole heart to him. It just doesn’t make sense. MImage

The Strange days of April

The last few days have been surreal to me, one day my daughter is in School she says bye at the door, and the next thing I know we are in a building that says “Behavioral health” We are hearing she didn’t want to live anymore, that she may like her best friend J more than just a best friend, and that she told us she may like girls and boys and we had yelled…My head is so full of “Stuff”. I wanted to blog about it,but there are things you feel afraid to talk about.Maybe someone out there will read me and have this same situation. So she was in the behavioral health hospital. We would go and “visit”. She seemed like a trooper, I don’t even know now if she realizes how serious everything was.She spent four days there. At night I would cry. I would go to her room and sit on the floor and cry. I felt guilty that we have never been the best of “buddies.” All my daughters worship their father.I often feel alone in my home, that is why I do my hollywood stuff like my photos and my “hair” and my jewelry and my psychic work.This is just the way it has been I don’t know if I had had a son would some one cling onto me, I have often felt alone. So, Now she is in outpatient therapy at another hospital. I do not drive far from home I stick to local roads that I travel on a regular basis, coming back home today will be scary. My husband went with me this morning he was making me nervous. There was a lot of construction going on, so many options…don’t get on the highway..God help me, God help me get through April.

M

My daughter, My light I just need to talk about this

This morning when I was sitting on my bed taking photos for facebook, I never knew that a few hours later we would get a call from our oldest daughter’s school saying that she was very depressed and that we need to take her to be evaluated at a behavioral health center. I was at the movies with my mom I had just got mom settled in a handicapped seat as she has very bad arthritus and had handed her her popcorn when I got the call from my husband saying there was an emergency and for me to call him. I remembered yesterday when I was in my bedroom and a my intuition told me “She may try to take your pills” I am on all kinds of meds for all kinds of fun stuff, I pushed the thought aside even though I am a budding psychic. When I saw the text I knew I should have listened to my inner voice. I rushed home my mom and brother in tow carrying their popcorn. I dropped them at home and sped off to school my husband had taken a cab as I had the car. “Where are we going?” She asked us and my husband took over the driving .We talked about how it was for her best interest to talk to a doctor about feeling sad and that everything would be okay.She had been down for weeks worried about school and some realationships with friends she had always had a hard time fitting in a girl who loves sports, walking her dog and playing her Ipod. Her beautiful long black hair she prides herself in lay against her strong shoulders that now seemed to be lower. When we arrived at the medical facility I knew she would have to stay there, they took her things and had her walk through the medical detector. I would hold her hand and she would smile as if she was in a play, she often does this try to feed you what you want to see without her really feeling the emotion. We talked to people, she talked to people we talked in groups, we talked alone.  Then there was silence and discussions again. They explained to us it was better for our daughter to stay for help because she was not feeling well and here she would start medication for the depression that had began to steal from her her laughter and her joking spirit. She nodded and we signed papers her daddy was hesitant but for me I had had to have my mom in the hospital for depression before, our daughter is adopted but it “runs” in our family …We hugged her and said we loved her and that we would bring her clothes. She isn’t allowed a phone or beloved Ipod I hope they let her keep her stuffed animal she sleeps with. Her daddy has gone to see her tonight her first night away from us for such a reason. I miss my daughter so much her coming to me behind me and wanting just a glance from me and she would smile and say “Hey mom what’s up?” I miss my daughter and I want her to get well soon.Image

Curly haired beach girl

I haven’t written in a while did anyone miss me? Oh How we love to ask that question ! I have a new hairstyle “on” I feel so fun and “beachy” I love my fake hair, I am really hoping Someday I can be more accepting to the fact I don’t like my ‘homegrown hair” It has suffered alot of colorings, cuttings but the fact is I am much happier with wigs to be honest because I can change my look whenever I want and since I am very dramatic maybe it is for the best just to be honest.My life has changed some. Mr. Morrocco has came back and says he still loves me he is so sweet and I cried so much when he wasn’t talking to me. Mr. Tall is really abusive and has some thing wrong with him, he told me he hasn’t conatcted me because he was too busy “F” ing his girlfriend. I hated him from that second the filth and the disrepect he never deserved one ounce of my love and it is sad because I always was so romantic and believed God had sent him to me blah blah.Maybe God sent him to me because he wanted to straighten Mr. Tall up to show him love but it did not help anything at all. I am enjoying doing psychic readings on Ebay and I wish I could have my own buisness and work from home. I am confused again about love because I love my husband so much but I remember things he said during that “one terrible” incidient and I so much want to be passionate and playful and be myself before I die off…okay..so curly hair beach girl wishes you all a happy Friday ! MargoImage

I look like a pirate and my hair is just crap

I went to cvs looking like a pirate. My hair is dry and lifeless and I wrapped a scarf around my pitiful hair. I don’t know what I will do, it’s damaged and sad. I haven’t written in my blog for a while. I am trying to figure out what to do about somethings. I really want to work as a psychic and with spirtuality. My mom and brother are here so things will be hectic, I just wanted to pop in …

 

margo the pirate

Can You do this?

Can you do this

your eyes open and the sun comes

into your room

you feel as if you just left your mother’s womb

You act as if the woman

doesn’t exsist the woman you kissed

is out of your life

you lied and you got what you

wanted

and now you lay in your bed as if you own it

you are just a coward

and a bitter taste on your tongue you once

tasted sweetness

but you left her alone,

sleep well sweet prince

with your rotten heart

and don’t think of her

she is better off without your lies

it was better to part…