I want to welcome you here

Today I was reading Artful blogging. I like that magazine, but I don’t like how it is 14.95. I skimmed through it and I read about in blogging you to welcome folks. I have tried to blog before, I don’t know how to draw in readers, advertisers and all that I wish I could but first of all I just want to say that I welcome you in here and I hope you feel my spirit. I am really happy every time I see someone clicked like it makes me feel good. If you can relate to any of my stories please reach out to me:) Love, M

Tea bags in ice water

I went to the book store early this morning. I first walked around target and  got a case of diet pepsi even though I said I would not drink anymore soda. I passed by mirrors and though “WOW, I thought I looked good in the car” almost scared myself and went back to the car with my things. I found cute pink Elvis list pads had to have that. I sat in the car, called my mom and I told my granny I had a dream about Mr. Tall, Rudi, sigh maybe I should call him sigh I don’t know.. I had a dream about him that he had came to visit me, he was not saying much because my husband was around, but he was near me sort of protective, I kept looking for him. I wanted to be near him. I dreamt we went to my granny’s house and she gave us some food and we were happy he said he had to go back home, and I asked how long did it take him to get from Algeria to Kentucky he said 2 hours by train. I wanted to go with him. My granny said in the dream, “Well, go with him then!!” When I told granny this on the phone she was like “Girl, you are married and you better straighten up.” I was to later tell my friend Liz on the phone why is it family always seem to stick up for the husband? I have heard countless cases of this they never seem to care if their “girl child” is happy or not. I came home and I have of course gobbled up some food, have to count points for it. I am trying to stay away form my someone special because I am married and should act that way just keep my nose to myself and do housework, wait for him to come on, love on him watch him leave for the gym and have to wait for him to come back 2 hours later.I just don’t know what to do, I am happy I don’t want people to think I am sad because I am romantic. People on Face book always say cheer up Margo! Did they tell Jane Austen that?
M

Got me working 9 to 5 oh what a way ….

I am sitting here thinking about being a secretary to someone I once massively loved..I would walk around his desk so many times like a nascar driver. He would finally notice that I was beautiful and pull me down on his lap his lips seeking mine…Okay, time to wake up! Today I called him, I figure someday he may read my blog and discover all my little secrets, but oh well. I called the one I wrote a poem about this morning. He told me maybe we would work online together again. I loved to hear his voice and how intelligent he is. I felt bad when I told my someone special oh I call him Aman, That I wanted to work with Rudi (lol I guess this will be his alias). He looked very sad and I could see the emotion on his face, it made me feel bad and I didn’t know how to react. Aman was sitting in his cyber cafe with his black Nike jacket and his earphones on, he was so sweet to me and I reminded myself 3 weeks ago I was holding his hand walking across a crowded street in Morrocco.I had lay down talking to Rudi I will call him this because sometimes he cam be rude (sometimes whew!) and listened to his ideas. We used to have lots of ideas and had made blogs and spent hours dreaming of making cash. He had no tone of interest in me as a female. He even told me, “What ever you wish for don’t wish for me because I will never leave Algeria.” I had rolled my eyes because he has been the focus of half the wishes in my life. I kept on talking and I tapped the convo on my iphone camera because I want my friend Liz to listen to it, she has became like my detective. You know the guys who sit out in the vans and listen in to the main actors who have been wired?Sadly, I don’t think he has any interest in me, I think he thinks of me like a turnip or a stale cookie that he can remember he once liked..I don’t know. I had gotten off the phone and did my classic sobbing into the pillow because I am just a secretary type, someone to help do stuff with not the love of his life or the one he goes to sleep dreaming of. My someone special was there for me today and I appreciate that and I hope God knows what I want more than anything is just someone to really love and hug and talk to, the problem is I crave banter that back and forth thing that well, I won’t talk about who…M

I don’t know why it changed

One day I was a happy wife with 3 beautiful kids. I would stand at the stove and cook and I was happy to do that. One day, I realized I was more than this person who exsisted in a house cooking and cleaning and I wanted more out of my life. I joined social networks, I took pics guys  told me I was pretty, women said I inspired then with my spunk. My husband began to be afraid because I wasn’t following him around the house wanting a hug. I was afraid too because I could sense I was changing. I didn’t want to change, and I wanted to change.I had spent many years sick with female problems so weak some days I spent the whole day in my night gown pale and trying to watch the kids without bleeding to death. I missed the days we lay in bed and it was only the two of us his dark skin on my pale skin I used to be in awe of that how beautiful we were. Work became his blood and he thrived on the pressure in a the office, sometimes I would hear things like “You never ask me how my day was…” In my mind I thought he should just tell me. He was holding grudges and I was too and no one was saying anything about it.I continued to make Indian curries, but a little bit of the light began to fade in my eyes. He knew people were talking to me, he knew I was talking. He was hurt. I felt numb and I would throw myself on the bed and he would kiss my head. I would cry because I didn’t want that kiss on the head I wanted something else, fire and emotion and he would turn over facing the apple tree limbs that grew outside our window and I would lay there wishing he would squeeze me around the waist. M

I don’t want to think about him

I don’t want to think about him to be honest. There is so many more things in the world to think about instead of some tall, snarky guy in Algeira. I mean I could think about, how can I end dryness in my hair, or go around the house with my iphone taking pics of stuff I need to sell on ebay. I could do anything…I miss him. HIM. I miss being on yahoo and on the phone. I miss trying to think of ways to make money together. I miss his snide remarks and his laughter. WIll I cut and paste this article to his Gmail which he hasn’t checked or if he has he ignores my emails? Am I some ugly little fruit troll that lives in the dank dark woods? NO! I read all those articles how to do this , how to do that, be yourself, don’t be yourself. I have tried many things to get a good response. How does one go from being best friends to “trying to get attention from someone?” I honestly don’t know. I can’t help but miss him. I wonder if he is okay, how he is doing…It makes you want to cry when you can’t hear from someone you care about, it makes you feel lousy when you want to call someone but are afraid that their tone of voice may be that “oh damn its her…” one.

I thought when I was in Walmart this morning I would give advice that everytime you want to write someone you miss so much but don’t get a lot of attention from you should write someone lonelier than you like, get some cards and say “I hope you know I am thinking of you” and take it to a hospital or a nursing home and I am seriously thinking of that, how that would cheer them up to get some word of hope from someone out there in the world instead of constantly chasing the wind.

I know what’s it’s like to  miss someone, but we can not miss out on the good stuff ladies, we must try to go one everyday as if we never went to the ball, as if we never dropped that shoe and forget the prince who got distracted. We went home after the ball and we never forgot him but where the hell is he while we sit around barefoot and waiting for that word of hello? I say throw the other shoe and go dance in the mud , feel the earth under your feet and celebrate you…m

The girl

Who are you they asked me

as they went around my head

with ribbons

No one asked me why was I getting married,

I was not thinking about forever that day

What do you want?

They asked me as me as they slipped

golden rings on my fingers

and toes

their black hair shining

like crows feathers

My eyes filled with tears

missing my mother

I was the girl who had

came to marry in India

I didn’t know at 23 there

would one day be problems

with my Indian Prince,

I wish I could go back there

and sit beside myself

and tell myself “Someday, you may regret this.”

She wouldn’t listen

she was very much in love,

I wish she still was

the girl she was then

so Innocent….

Away from the Sun

Where are you?

When I need you

days pass

the night sky finds me

staring up at the sky

why is it you never miss me

never want to hold me

or love me again

no word from you

the earth is pale without

your smile

I am away from the sun

when I am without you

which is always,

please come back

let me live near your light

like a flower

seeking to grow

let me know you more….

IS intuition and questioning so wrong?

WHat if there was no bible, or lets say what if people didn’t take what the bible says and twist it around to what they think passages means? For  me, I have been interested in fortune telling since I was very little. Recently someone on FB told me what I was doing was wrong and sent me a bunch of passages about fortune tellers and psychics and how they are evil etc. I had to think hard about this. I would believe that fake fortune tellers who say “You come down to the river at 7 and watch 18 goats dance and cook pasta at 9 p.m. this will be my sign to you that your boyfriend still loves you.” That is nutty because its just BS or the psychics who claim you have a curse and to get rid of it you need to shell out cash that bunch is sinners for sure. I will never think a woman sitting around trying to pick up clues about her life and/or her friends lives is bad. We all have intuition, we can make it stronger all by working harder to. We need to trust our gut and if someone says we are going to hell the best passage in the bible was when it said “thou shalt not judge” I think that is one of the most important thigs God could of said to anyone.

It is okay to guess and to imagine

Lipstick on the dresser

Today I enjoyed a trip to the mall, I got a couple of things that was pretty exciting. Not alot to report lately and I figured I would come in and sit down and write some. I haven’t spoken to anyone lately that swears they can’t live without me..Mr. Morrocco didn’t come to facebook today, I told him I would be out. I also think maybe I will try not to be lovey dovey anymore. My husband was loving to me today and I just would like to have a normal life (part of me is lying). I wish I could eat whatever I want and not gain an ounce, I need to write in my weight loss blog. I hope you all are well those that read from me 🙂 M

OOPS I DID IT AGAIN

I called him the one who broke my heart many times, yes, I called him.He was asking me why I wasn’t on the phone with “the other guy.” I said :I can talk to whomever I want, don’t you want to talk to me?” He went on to say that if I liked someone else it wasn’t good to be so comfy with him on the phone. I felt as usual rejected. I told him bye and then I thought about how I had excitedly emailed him telling  him what all I had been up to lately and  he told me he never bothered to check his email over the weekend which means he didn’t think of me. I felt stupid. I just never learn and if the psychic from ebay predicts a wedding for me and Mr. Tall I may never trust my own tarot cards again! Anyway, I just dropped in with this little update. I also don’t know if I should make my blog less “Journal” like and make it more article-like. I know I should keep it more “article-like” but then that wouldn’t be me at all.I have had some folks sign on to my makeup blog, but it seems almost pointless to waste  time on something that leads to no profit, but it leads to joy…so maybe I will get back into that …I just wanted to say OOPS  I DID it again, But I wont again.
M
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