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EXILED

I have left facebook and It is raining. I do not go there because I feel many emotions. Earlier today a friend of a friend asked me “What do you expect Mr. M to do worship you 24 hours a day you are married. These words stung at me.Mr. M knew I was married when I stepped off the plane and he hugged me he knew it when he sent me a scarf and a letter.I didn;t want to be on FB with all the finger pointing and witch hunting. I needed solitude. I may even delete my blog. What benefit is it to blog, maybe someone is reading me and misunderstanding me. Maybe more people get the the wrong idea instead of feeling the “Love.” I don’t know. I wish I was an author and had many books published and lived in a big house with lots of greenery.Maybe, I can manifest this.I am not checking AOL either don’t search for Mr. Tall. Stay here in the dining room with the  table filled with freshly painted ocean blue waves, and books. I wanted to come in here and pray. My youngest is crying now because she wanted her dad to buy her this indian digestive tablet that is spicy and made of tamrind and kids all over India are hooked on it. It is herbal basically just dried tamrind in a tablet form. It is pouring the rain every now and then I think of going to lay on my bed and let sleep come to me, my mom has went to lay down. My brother  didn’t want to come out the guest room where he lays on the bed and takes notes from the many wrestling magazines he has collected while he is here. Tonight guests will come and we will have curries and India will fill our home again, so strange you know a girl from Kentucky having so many ties to the world. I miss Morrocco, I miss Algeria and I miss me laughing. I am sad and this is not a reason to pop another prozac go and ask the doctor whose hands shake and tries to make me feel fat to give me higher doses of a med that now I think about.I hate that I am sensitive and sentimental. The last time I went to him he said “Margaret most of this is situational” Yes, one would be depressed if a beautiful man had stopped talking to you. You think I would be used to this by now a graduate, but it still hurts so much.We had gone to the pool earlier, it was opening day. I lay on the deck chair burning up trying to meditate,  nothing came to me. I could not get in the water it was freezing cold and I would go and sit on the pool steps and runback to the chair and lay down. My youngest played and I got her to go to the baby pool so I could sit in it a minute it is big enough for like 20 adults but small and not deep so it was warm water. I enjoyed that for a while then my husband got us a hot dog, I reached my hand out to him and try to “feel” what he was feeling. He is very handsome, I just wish he never said the stuff he did and I wish I never went anywhere, I wish he had stopped me. But could he have stopped the emotions that were born from our incompatibility? M

Mourning Mr. Morrocco

I miss him. I miss him calling me “margorita” I miss his texts and his beautiful face. I dont understand why this is happening to me again. This afternoon As I was crying *You all must think I do this alot lol. I got a package in the mail. I thought it was from him because he said he had mailed me a package a month ago. My daughter handed me the parcel only to realize it was from Thailand the bangles I had ordered from Ebay. I will write a story about the bangles and why now I try so hard to have bangles later. I am weeping. I loved him. I thought he loved me, people who read my blog can laugh, they can give me speeches about how younger men never stay with the old hag or whatever but if you can’t trust a guy like him then I guess even an angel can rob you blind.I texted him and said “I don’t love you or trust you anymore.” I pulled out my tarot cards and it showed me that he cares and also one of the cards had a man with two women on it I pray to Venus it is not that I have yet again been replaced. I know in 2012 people will mock me because I am romantic but this is who I am I can not hide everything I am anymore, much like people rejoice when they tell the world they are gay I am romantic. I miss him. I fell in love with a soft hearted guy who’s broken english made me  happy, what would he say to me if he saw me right now with these bangles from Thailand, I have lost my beautiful bangles from India I sold them to go see him, I sold them because my husband cursed at me about money nothing meant the same after that sunday morning, his few gifts just became reminders of money. M

Morning yall

I hope that this finds you all doing okay. I actually sat down and tried to write 2 pen pal letters. I am wearing my 1960’s type glasses from the Christmas tree store and can see better in them but they don’t really stay on my face properly 🙂 That is what you pay for “For real glasses”. My mom has just came in the back door from Smoking again…I hate it but what can I say. Mom is so quite I have been wanting to write about her for a while now.Mom is very quiet maybe she has been all my life before she was sick with depression. I want to hear mom’s stories about her life. The other day she told me my “FATHER” who I have never known beat her and called her a mother f…I hated this so much I don’t care for the man, I had one day where I tried to hero worship him when I found out he died and that usual mystic that death gives someone came into my mind,but when I heard this story I just was disgusted, I told my mom that my husband had woke me up cursing me out one morning over money and she said well I was called a ……..Mom never remarried, never dated again it is terrible and she turned to smoking and coffee for comfort.It breaks my heart so much. My brother has thrown some tantrums that only gets settled with cash or letting him bid on WWF wrestling magazines on EBAY. He needs some serious meds for his temper. He will talk loudly to himself I guess one would say “muss” to himself saying bad things about everyone until he gets his way things he can say can wound but everyone excuses him saying “Oh Bub is like a child.” I have wondered a lot as of late would he have been this way if someone else  had raised him? My family saw he was different but refused to let him grow up. He can not cook, He can not tie his shoes. He told me yesterday,”IF you like Mr. Tall again you can, we all have ghosts.” He said. I almost fell over. I have been sending Mr.  tall loving messages because I love him. I hope someday he will see in his heart that I care. He did not talk to me all of last year but a few times, he pushed me away like the black plague but I still care. He is very intelligent and something inside me cares. Mr. Morrocco has been blocked from facebook, he turns my stomach you may ask, how can you care for Mr. Tall when he was very cold? Well, Mr. Morrocco was too warm and now he claims he has a toothache, anything to keep from talking to me. It is very disgusting and hurtful.My gut screams he is lying. My Algerian Johnny Cash is saying he loves me on Interpals he works in a shoe shop and he is very sexy I wish he did love me, so many people lie, love is so beautiful why do so many have to lie. He is putting feet into shoes all day I wonder if he has a shoe fetish? I told him my feet are size 11 and fat and that is true no way could I get my foot into some elegant shoe to wear with a matching Burka. It is hard to talk to someone with the Algerian flag on his profile. I long to go to Algeria, I didn’t want to be on the plane to Morrocco. Tears rolled down my cheek on that flight I was asking God why he was sending me there and not to the guy I loved, it remains a mystery. The guy who said he loved me there has turned his back on me a warm fuzzy hearted guy so loving yet, my stomach is turning as I type this.

MImage

Think of me today

Think of me today as you walk past the palm trees

think of me and let thoughts drift into your  mind

that maybe you love me  if just a tiny bit

think of me as you sit in your classroom and the heat

is unbearable

just let your mind go past the numbers

and out the window to america

where I miss you everyday

just think of me for a minute

don’t fight it

just think,

feel even better.

If I had a shoulder

I feel like I need a shoulder to cry on maybe because I watched the best exotic marigold hotel again and started missing India again. Maybe because my youngest daughter came running down stairs claiming her sister was kissing her bff crying now it looks like the baby one lied and I just want to cry. I want to blog and say things that bring such wonderful readers that they say I changed their life, but what do I do? I am a mom who dreams of middle eastern men who none of them have saved her or whisked her away to their homeland and laid me down on beautiful colored cushions and said ” I love you.” last night when I was falling asleep I said out loud “I wish I was normal.” I wish I didn’t day dream, I wish I didn’t have any kind of psychic ability. I thought of some of my cousins and friends who are “normal” who pack lunches and kiss their husbands and never do anything weird. They don’t take their cell phones and snap photos  of themselves and love Liz Taylor. Their husbands worship them and they never fight…I know what you are saying, “Margo this does not exsist.” I do wonder what normal is. I wish I could have it maybe in my 20’s when I was first married I was normal homesick in an apartment, babies crying. I was happy to cook dinners making Indian food. The food would taste bad but he would love me and kiss me and I felt I had married the most gorgeous man in the world with black hair and dark skin even if somewhere in the back of my head I was hearing arabic music.I think maybe I will just cry after while because I have these feelings inside me.Mr. Johnny Cash from Algeria he must be a play boy surely he is and he will go away. Mr. Morrocco barely speaks to me and he told me not to come see him, before, after or during Ramadan. I feel very alone right now and do you know I asked Mr. Tall could I come see him? He said “Not yet…” Does hell ever freeze over cause I have a nice fae fur I can wear 🙂 MargoImage

Murat

Murat you won’t talk to me

you must have got bored

with a girl who loved you 20 years ago

she had nothing to offer then nor now

I found you again but you 

closed your lap top and forgot me

you must of thought I was going to try

to lay you down on blankets and make love to  you

your face close to mine I would call you baby

and kiss your hands

but you didn’t want that or even my hello

or chitter chatter

Murat you don’t want to talk to me

and it really doesn’t matter

I got used to that for 20 years

and one day I will forget the guy who said

he loved me 

but probably never didImage

Murat

Murat you won’t talk to me

you must have got bored

with a girl who loved you 20 years ago

she had nothing to offer then nor now

I found you again but you 

closed your lap top and forgot me

you must of thought I was going to try

to lay you down on blankets and make love to  you

your face close to mine I would call you baby

and kiss your hands

but you didn’t want that or even my hello

or chitter chatter

Murat you don’t want to talk to me

and it really doesn’t matter

I got used to that for 20 years

and one day I will forget the guy who said

he loved me 

but probably never did

I want you to know me

You didn’t know me when you said you loved me

you had never held me

or tasted my kiss

you cut me out of your life

and you moved on and pretended I didn’t exsist

because I was your online girl

you forgot how we used to talk for hours on the phone

and how you would miss me when the power

would go off in Algeria

and you would be stuck in the dark

with thoughts of me

I loved you so much

Yazid

I miss you and my mind

wants to let go

and part of my heart has plans

always to try to get you to see the 

real me and hold me and love me

for real

I want you to know me

so much I want that.

Well, here I am

Here I am sitting waiting for someone to call the psychic line and hope I remember the exstension The youngest one came back from a 2 day trip to a nature camp with her 3rd grade class I missed her so much. Today I can’t breathe too good I know I must need an inhaler again.Today, I got the idea of telling Mr. Tall I would come to Algeria I have tried this many times to no avail, but I figured what the hell. I wish I was lucky getting all this attention I get zero. Mr. Morrocco he told me I couldn’t come because of Ramadan, pre ramadan preparations, post ramadan…I don’t want to talk to him today. I don’t feel like I love any men any more. I am really grieving if I was brave and single I am sure people would date me, I am  pretty if not beautiful but I am goofy and dramatic and some people they just can not handle that. But oh well. I will tell you about my Algerian Johnny cash I met him on Interpals the other day. He is sexy and wears black he looks like Andy Garcia and the girls swoon around his profile. He told me he loves me. On the internet oh how they can love,but it is still nice to be wooed for the day. I really worry what I write about because I have kids I know I am not the only woman who chats online and daydreams so many mom’s do so much worse run off with fellows for the weekend or whatever. Maybe I should delete posts about having kids and just be this soul…no one will know my name on my blog what should I do?I don’t have the time to sit around and read other’s blogs and try to steal ideas from them. I am me, this is me. My life stopped being simple when I had a hysterectomy with that operation died many dreams of ever having another baby, connections were cut between my husband and me too. I wondered how could I go on at times making love was not the same, my mind had changed. I also just re thought my life.No one knows how hard it is to have a hysterectomy unless you have had one. IF you still wanted children then it killed dreams and hope. It rid of us bleeding on our shoes yes, but for many of us it took away part of our womanhood.Why did I start talking to anyone besides my husband? Well, it was because I felt as if I was only a maid seeing the laundry basket come towards me instead of roses like he used to bring was one thing, being talked down to was another and me just growing up too..I still don’t know what I will do. I love him yeah, I don’t know about love in genereal now. I wish my soul mate was out there but I doubt it guys. MImage