Have you ever been abandoned like me by an online love?

Somedays, I don’t blog about it. Somedays, I don’t talk about it. Somedays, I think I am healed from the experience of going to morrocco and meeting someone who would soon dump me as if I was garbage. I haven’t gotten over it yet. I am still hurt. On vacation, lovely photos of my husband and me. We are holding hands, people admire us. I sit on the beach and think of walking along the shore with a guy named Fouad. He is saying, “I love you Margo.” what a story. I never wanted to involve mediums, husbands and prayer in what was once just a guy and a girl caring for one another.

Sometimes, I miss Fouad.I can feel tears in my eyes as I type this.I always say I write the truth because I wait for another girl to say, “Margo, it happened to me.” I can’t understand how someone can just one day decide they want nothing to do with someone they claimed to love.

I have a hard time forgiving myself for selling some of my most beautiful jewelry to help pay for tickets to go to Agadir.I never should have. I always thought I was romantic. I thought at that time I needed to be brave and trust in fate. I never knew he would be so careless. I have flashbacks of his smile. I don’t know..

Sometimes, I think I just have to go cry, like right now.

M

Why did they go away?

Why did they go away

and leave me

I sit on the sand

the ocean laps at my feet

I pick up a handful of sand 

toss it into the water

I can’t understand why

he left me

how can someone be 

so careless

the water is warm

sand, small rocks and shells

dance over my legs 

then the tide comes and washes

it away again

I miss him

I don’t understand 

the men

that went away

my mind is like the ocean

so vast and I am so afraid

I will sit here alone

and never know

why they left meImage

Mara Chapter 8

Alex doesn’t have to talk anymore. I want to talk. I don’t know why he was a part of my story. Most of my life, men have tried to take over my life. I am scared. I have lost my life and in many ways I have died. He stole me from Hollywood. He stole me from my career. I feel the baby move inside of me and I know I have never been able to carry a child. I wish I had someone to go to. I used to run to people, beg them to let me stay the night with them. I would cry or talk or play. I never felt like I belonged. I was always a visitor. I want to belong. 

I think of how I can run away from Alexander the rich man with a soft heart. I asked him to marry me, but much of my life has always been make believe. It doesn’t matter to me if we never marry.I question what love is I have been married 3 times. I go and sit next to the large window where I can see the ocean. I grew up near the ocean in California. I begin to feel trapped just like anyone would after months in isolation.

I scream at him when he walks into the room and he looks afraid. He is carrying flowers and he smiles.

“I want out of this.” I say. I can feel a rage building inside of me. It has been building for months and the pregnancy is making me more afraid. I don’t want to die in some bloody child birth.

“Mara.” He says and he touches my hands. 

“I want you to take me back to America, I don’t even know where the hell I am!” I shout and I pick up a vase and toss it against the wall.

“Mara!” He is loud now and I want to scratch at him because he looks so smug and all knowing as if he is some God.

“Do you hear me. I came to my senses and I want my life back…” I slump into the sofa and sob into my hands. 

“Alright.” He says defeated.Image

Do I have to believe a famous Medium?

Is there any hope after a celeb medium tells you that a person you loved doesn’t give a Rat’s ass about you? Ever since I talked to a well known medium I have been upset. A psychic reading should be uplifting not crushing. I wish I never spoke to the medium who told me  someone I loved was a player, never cared, would never come back. I go back and look at photos of his starry eyes staring at me. Can you fake starry eyes? Yes, my marriage is so much better, but since I spoke to this “all knowing and all wise psychic…” It has placed a lot of doubt in my heart.

I welcome comments

I am really stressed out by my hair

Right now, I am very stressed out about my hair. I don’t know if it will ever look good again. Sometimes, I can lie to myself and say “Yeah, I can wear wigs.” I can’t lie all the time. Being on vacation in a hot place a wig is hell. I wear my bob wig at night to go out to eat. Tonight, I saw a woman with thick short hair she had that two toned look it was auburn and blonde. I felt sad. I know I have dyed my hair a lot but really should it be this fried? Add to the fact that I have this behavior problem that makes me often chop my hair and how  much chance do I ever have of having pretty hair again. Need some comments. MargoImage

Girls are you getting what I am talking about?

I really hope someone out there gets me and understands what I have been through. It is so odd to have ups and downs in a marriage. One day you feel like okay, I am still young enough to go marry a 26 year old and start all over. I will train him and be so happy..then reality comes. I see my husband’s smile and I forget why I ever wanted to run away. I see him as a real human being. He has said mean stuff and I said mean stuff. When it comes to love I know he has it for me because he has not ran away from me. I hope if there is a married woman out there right now who is running to the computer like I used to do you will go look at your husband and think to yourself, “Could I really walk away ?” For me, I realize I love him. Tonight at a seafood place this guy shows up in a small yacht. There are flowers all over the place and he is playing a song on a loud speaker. There is a large sign saying, “Will you Marry me Amanda?” She runs to the dock and he gets down on one knee and he proposes. Everyone in the restuarant runs to the dock. She says, “I do.” and I kiss my husband. I want this to stay this way.. 

 

 

Am adding the pic of the romantic yacht proposal tonightImage

Sitting in a Tropical paradise

I am somewhere beautiful. It is so nice to have a vacation. I am tired. I walked a lot and of course took tons of photos. Family is happy I wish it was always this way. I have to tell you that where I am reminds me a lot of morrocco and that bothered me some. I am trying to find today’s episode of Days of Our Lives. I need to watch it as I love James Scott!!!!

I am trying to think what to talk about tonight…I feel blessed I was a very poor little girl growing up in Kentucky I have been blessed to live in Bombay and travel to some nice locations. It is not easy to be a jet setter sometimes if you have anxiety and /or a plus size girl. I have to say “WAIT!” sometimes and sometimes I am far ahead of everyone else.

The Olympics is on. I don’t care much for that when my mind is on Days…I feel bad when I come to the blog without tons of creativity. I am tired, I just wanted to say hi and post a pic. 

HUGS,Margo

Encourage the difference

I am so happy that many people are now seeing unique individuals as unique and not “Weird” or “Eccentric” There are many of us out there who do not fall under so called Normal catagories. I wanted so badly to be a “normal” Soccer mom who just cooked and chased after the kids, drove them around and was a dainty flower. I would cry a lot because I wanted to put on makeup and take photos at midnight when every one was asleep. I have started to accept myself and I am greatful for the stories I hear about other people out there who are not afraid to be themselves. I think that if we can accept others then many of us can stop hiding and denying who we are. I think when we put on an act we never get to see the real person, who may indeed be an awesome actress or star ! MImage

Our Blogs are not Pick up Joints

I would like to say that as a woman blogger, writer , poet that when I add on to my blog I am not looking to sweep some Don Juan off his feet. As romantic as I am this is not my intent. I have noticed that some men have came to my blog boasting of various “Specialites” I am not interested. I am here to write, express and to read. If you have come here seeking some other kind of Utopia, this is not your land, move on….

MargoImage